Opinion: Pet Peeves

Life Coach-Lesson 15

By Mark Crantz

Sheltering in place has not been easy. Relationships have been strained. A friend’s wife filed for divorce on irreconcilable differences. Her lawyer explained that her husband was not able to run around on her and share his stupidity with others. She threatened to give him full custody of the children and the online schooling they required, unless he agreed to a quickie divorce delivered by Grub Hubby. She further agreed to not grade his marital performance and just give him a pass like the school district gave their children.

I understand as your self-anointed life coach that sheltering in place has put strains on the family unit. Let me share an example. TV personalities have had to do their shows remotely.  The pandemic has allowed us to get a glimpse into their homes.  The other day I was watching CNBC and the impact sheltering in place was having on business. A Fortune 500 executive was explaining, “I was surprised our business was down.  No one predicted something other than stomach flu would spread on our cruise line. Our ships have not been allowed to dock. We have had to refund future passengers waiting dockside to board.” The CNBC reporter commiserated from her unused guest bedroom. “Look at her pictures,” my wife said. “They’re nice,” I answered. “Nice?” my wife exclaimed.  “They’re posters from college.” I looked closer. “You’re right.  I loved the Monkees. I am a believer.” My wife huffed back, “Take the last train to Clarksville.”

People are getting restless. They need to get away from their shelter in places. Everyone is praying for a vaccine. It may be some time before this miracle happens. In the meantime, I have discovered a way to determine if you have coronavirus. I direct Lagunans to go to the corner of Callipoe and Glenneyre streets. This is the location of a sewage lift station. It can do double time as a Coronavirus Testing Station. Pull up near the little white bridge.  Roll down your window.  Breathe deeply.  If you smell ####, you don’t have coronavirus.  If you don’t smell ####, you work for the Water Quality Department.

“Look at her pillows,” my wife says of the CNBC correspondent. “They’re not creased in the middle.” “What?  Everybody knows to crease their pillows,” I answer. My wife says, “You don’t. You pick them up at the corners. That’s why we have bunny ears everywhere.” I remain quiet realizing there’s no good reason I pick up pillows wrong.  My mind wanders to bunny ears of the ‘60s. Yikes, don’t go there. Nobody needs Grub Hubby in their lives.

Crantz tells the Indy that he believes the Cruise Line CEO was reporting live from the Titanic 2. My wife confirms. She said she recognized the creased pillows in his berth, Level 1.