I was behind bars when I read Indy’s “Laguna’s Crime Rate is Up, DUIs Decline.” Don’t misunderstand. I’m innocent. I was in Peppertree Lane behind the bars of the Saloon and Watermarc just getting gelato for my wife. I’m a good husband and was surprised to be pulled out of the gelato line for a sobriety test. I failed. Trust me when I tell you it was a false positive. I found out later that a local eatery served me ribs soaked in bourbon sauce. I feel like an accidental tourist turned into a day-tripper. My wife added civil charges against me for not fulfilling my familial obligation to provide daily doses of gelato to her.
The police chief reported 2015-2016 crime statistics in her biennial crime report delivered recently to the Laguna Beach Woman’s Club. I was there dressed as a roaring 1920’s flapper adorned with a diamond-encrusted necklace that read “Husbands Suffrage Stop Now.” I was arrested for not having a demonstration permit. I tried to explain that the necklace was an accessory not a political statement. “Tell it to the judge,” said the arresting officer. The women’s club agreed. Eyewitness statements read that I was garishly dressed like an Orange County housewife and was an effrontery to Laguna’s good taste. I’m innocent. I was cut from that reality show for not having a bigger than my checkbook personality. My wife added civil charges for insufficient funds.
I don’t mean to add to Laguna’s crime statistics. I want to be a model citizen and a good husband. So to get back into everybody’s good graces, I’m offering my services as a “Precog” to the Laguna police department. Precogs were used in Stephen Spielberg’s movie “Minority Report.” Precogs are psychics who apprehend criminals based on foreknowledge of a crime to be committed. I have kept this super power to myself because I don’t want to be known as a ratfink. But I’m really in a bind here. To clear my good name here’s my precognitions for the remainder of 2017.
Mark Crantz is found innocent. The village entrance is erroneously surveyed and erected in Dana Point. The Dana Point/Laguna Beach entrance is added to Laguna’s Historic Building inventory. Dana Point protests that the structure is not Laguna’s to add. City council hires consultants to advise. Dana Point retaliates by changing the direction of traffic once again on Coast Highway. The coastal commission intervenes by declaring the dual village entrance a California Coastal National Monument. Mark Christy and partners receive federal approval to add a rooftop deck to the dual entrance.
Mark Crantz is arrested and found guilty of premeditated precognitions against society. Mark Crantz has insufficient funds to defend himself. A court appointed attorney requests a change of venue.
Crantz awaits trial in Barstow, Calif. The Indy is rumored to be preparing a majority report on the proceedings.