Survey With a Splash of Vodka
Oops. I almost fainted after reading Indy’s “Support Builds to Bury Utilities in Evacuation Routes.” A whiff of my old tennis shoes, a Crantz home remedy akin to store bought smelling salts, brought me back to my senses. I have to fess up regarding the results of a 685-resident survey to assess attitudes towards possible November ballot measures to fund such projects. Survey results were recently presented to the City Council. Here’s my confession. All 685 resident surveys came to my house. I filled out all of them. Well, actually just one. I forwarded the other 684 surveys to Russia. I’m relieved to hear that they filled them out. Thanks for “Putin” in the time.
Russians support undergrounding utilities on Laguna’s evacuation routes. However, in the neighborhoods they believe only one area should be undergrounded and that’s the new Coast Inn. City consultants believe the Russians covet the vodka distribution rights at the proposed three-restaurant facility. Due to the high combustible nature of vodka when consumed during the difficult Cossack dance, it is just good common sense to keep wires away from dance-offs. As to the other Laguna neighborhoods, the Russians prefer the Russian Nesting Doll technique instead of the undergrounding choice.
The nesting technique requires placing poles and wires inside eight dolls of increasing size. Along the Route 133 evacuation route, there are 246 poles. Russians estimate the eighth doll encapsulating each will stand 3,200 feet high and block the FAA from flying takeoffs over Laguna Beach.
A second benefit to the Russian Nesting Doll technique will be to have the equivalent of 246 village entrances with banners stretched in between. These banners can be used to control Laguna’s incoming 6.3 million day trippers. “No Smoking, No Drones, No Fishing, No Jay Walking, No Parking Outside Lines, No Dogs Off-leash, No Bonfires, No Teenagers Having Beach Fun.” And the final doll banner, “Turn Around. No Cars.”
Comrade Doasisayorelse (phonetic translation; Do-As-I-Say-Or-Else) supports Laguna’s democratic approach. Comrade said, “the people have spoken. Now is the time for their appointed representatives to massage the ballot measure wording to assure to get the vote that Mother Russia wants. In the unlikely event the November ballot measures fail, I will send in Comrade Hanging Chadofski to recount the votes to Mother Russia’s favor.”
An after-election party will be hosted at the Coast Inn’s rooftop bar. All residents with blocked ocean views are welcomed. Vodka, shot glasses and Russian caviar will be provided free of charge. Comrade Doasisayorelse’s Nigerian cousin, Prince B. Abetterdeal will oversee a silent auction of swag bags full of goodies that is predicted to raise $135 million, which is the full cost of the evacuation route nesting dolls.
Crantz tells the Indy that residents should vote early and often. It works in Chicago.