Pet Peeves

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Pick Up

By Mark Crantz

Hi, beautiful. Who’s your plastic surgeon?” Slap. “Good talking with you.” I never had a good pick up line. I found myself saying over and over, “Sorry for taking up your time.” I don’t think I’d be married today if it weren’t for my wife’s slight hearing loss in her right ear where I whispered, “Hey beautiful, marry me. You look like my garden gnome.” She misheard gnome for name and said, “…Debbie.” I took her answer for the marriage proposal it was, “I will.” “Hi Will.”

Laguna Beach became the second city on the West Coast to put in a rideshare geo location program that features designated pick up and drop off locations. Instead of Uber/Lyft drivers stopping anywhere on Coast Highway to pick up and drop off passengers, their apps will now direct both drivers and riders to three designated areas located on side streets. These areas are 200 Ocean Avenue, 200 Laguna Avenue and 100 Brooks Street. All three spots have in common an illegal marijuana dispensary with CBD oil products to soothe your traffic anxiety, whether you’re coming or going or forget which way you’re headed. And who cares, anyway? “Sure, I’ll take another brownie.”

A Laguna Beach spokesman explains, “It’s a win-win. We free up Coast Highway from Uber/Lyft drivers jamming up traffic dealing with inebriated passengers who believe they are being kidnapped. You’d be surprised by the number of times drivers get into a long heated discussion explaining to passengers that they had called to arrange their own abductions.”

Just last week, a police camcorder captured one exchange. “Hello, Ms. Pickford. Lyft here.” Swaying slightly, Ms. Pickford responds, “No I don’t take lifts from strangers.” Horns honk. The heckling begins. “Move it.” “Lyft get out of here.” The driver desperate to drive away from the mounting road rage, digs deep for a reassuring pick up line, “You’re the boss, Ms. Pickford. I’ll just put on this blindfold. Here’s the meter. Just tell me where to go.” Ms. Pickford mulls it over for a long minute, “That’s more like it. Put the blindfold on. Now go…go…go.”

Authorities are concerned and trying to determine the status of the Lyft ride. Phone records indicate the last call made was to the app, Grubhub. Food delivery was directed to a designated drop off area in the West Coast’s first city to adopt the rideshare geo location program. Even with increased government pressure for phone record disclosure, Lyft refuses to release the name of the first West Coast city. Authorities have reached out to the public to look out for a blindfolded driver and passenger last known to be somewhere on the West Coast. Citizens are advised to steer clear and call authorities immediately.

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