Pet Peeves

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Go Figure

By Mark D. Crantz

An old lady was crossing the road before City Hall. Six figures were there to help her. Not one offered a hand to get her across safely. She waved her cane to get their attention. They did not wave back. Her eyesight was poor. She could not make eye contact with them. She yelled to get their attention. The six figures remained still. Her frail voice did not carry far enough. The old lady noticed the six figures were dressed alike. All wore hoodies scrunched up tight concealing faces. She thought they must be on some sports team, or perhaps brothers? But one thing she was certain of was they were extremely rude. The old lady crossed the road by herself to give them a piece of her mind. By the time she got there, the weekly farmers market was closed. Worse yet, her chicken had crossed the road long before her and had gotten away. The old lady reached the first figure and beat him senseless with her cane. No charges were pressed. Police released the old lady to Susi Q staff. But why the chicken crossed the road remains a mystery.

Police reported the six figures were part of an art exhibition created by well-known American urban street artists, Mark Jenkins and Sandra Fernandez. The installation consists of surreal, site-specific still life sculptures that portray six characters in the age of global warming. Well…that’s five characters of global warming because one figure succumbed to an old lady’s global hot-ness.

Since the exhibit has gone up, public reaction has been varied. A police spokesman reported that one caller reported seeing city consultants stealing money and making a very slow getaway. “Don’t hurry,” the caller suggested. “The thieves appear rooted to the spot. The money must be too good to run away. Come get them whenever you like.”

Another resident called in to alert police that she saw the City Council dressed in camouflage. They were trying to get back to their cars unnoticed by mobs of angry Village Laguna and Liberate Laguna protesters.

Wells Fargo and Chase Bank employees took matters in their own hands. They tackled the five figures before they got a chance to stick up the banks. A bank spokesman explained, “We have a mobile banking app that allows customers to text us before their money is stolen. It enables us to be proactive and not wait around until they get the nerve up to rob us. The app helps to keep insurance costs down and provides us with uninterrupted time to create more fees and services to do an inside job on customers without anyone being physically hurt.”

Meanwhile…a BOLO has been put out on the chicken that crossed the road. It was last seen wearing a gray hoodie. The police sketch shows a striking resemblance to Mark Zuckerberg. Residents should not try to apprehend for the sake of their privacy. Call police, who are trained in global cooling.


Crantz tells the Indy that he knows one of the figures, Manny Quin.

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