City’s Histrionic Register
A property rights debate flared up at the city council meeting on Tuesday, Feb. 28. The council tried to close the 1993 Feb. 29 loophole that allows contractors to build whatever they want, wherever they want and at whatever costs they want, to be reviewable by Design Review once every four years. Design Review balked and added the caveat, “If Leap Year falls on a city workday Friday off then Design Review will align itself with the next passing of Halley’s comet.” The vote was 99 contractors for keeping the loophole. One person (who looked like Ann Christoph) against.
Ann Christoph wasn’t available for comment. Fortunately, her identity-theft hologram was made available. It said, “The historic preservation of Laguna Beach took a horrible blow today. McMansions will take over and ruin Laguna’s cottage charm.” Christoph’s hologram believes space is the final frontier and boldly reminisces where all men have gone before. Then added, “This fight is not over. Trust me when I tell you, where you see another McMansion, then you know all day breakfast is just around the corner. Do we need breakfast at midnight here in Laguna?” No one answered because they were too busy placing Sausage Egg McMuffin orders at the drive-thrus.
I scanned the Indy article, “Piecemeal Policy Prompts Property Rights Debate,” and then proceeded to use the article to clean my big, brand new windows, which Design Review never approved. Oops. What to do? Should I confess my sins to Design Review and take the chance that I’ll have to remove all the windows to make my neighbors happy? Or should I keep my head down and hope for the best? Nah, that won’t work with all these new windows. Think. There’s got to be a way. Then it hit me like a contractor’s bill…
I tented my house. And it’s not just a big circus looking tent. My tent was specifically designed to look like my house with the old windows. Now no one knows I have big windows underneath. And it gets better. I’m busy adding wings, turrets, dormers and an alligator filled moat with drawbridge. I’m king of my castle.
My kingdom collapsed when neighbors got worried that I was living in a tented house for termites and called the health department to investigate. It was the big pins that gave it all away. Now I’ve been found out and have a new infestation of Design Review buggers to deal with. They tell me I must comply with the City’s Histrionic Preservation Ordinance. This ordinance requires residents to go vocally ballistic about paying the city for approval for every little change. I’ve been told my house is rated as a “C.” C buildings contribute to the overall character of the history of the neighborhood, though they are not unique in and of themselves.
What? I’ll show you unique. I upped the ballistics until I got designated an “E” for exceptional. And I’ve just been approved to drop the in-laws wing to the house for a Design Review in-laws wing instead.
Crantz tells the Indy that you have to shout along to get along.
