Pet Peeves

Things Are Looking Up

Let me show readers my psychic powers. On Monday, Aug. 21 at 9:06 a.m. you were looking up. And I appreciate your fascination with the total eclipse. While you were searing your eyeballs, I totally eclipsed your wallets. I needed the cash. However, wallets with credit cards may be recovered from the Susi Q Center’s lost and forgotten center. Nobody there remembers ever losing things to be found.

Laguna Beach was not on the path of totality, so residents only witnessed 65% of the total eclipse. I would have gotten more done had the eclipse been 100% dark. Nonetheless, I’m proud of the tasks I got around to.

Things are looking up. I erected a parking garage for 1,415 spaces made out of Legos and paid for by Lego. I’m happy to report Laguna’s second roundabout on 133. In a display of architectural genius, a village entrance and a village exit have been included in the roundabout to deal with 6 million day tripping visitors, who tax our infrastructure and patience, but never buy any thing. They will be turned right around and back to Irvine. All sober houses have been moved to nearby liquor stores in Dana Point. Coast Highway has been shutdown for alfresco dining. The new parking structure now takes up all of Forest. I thank the Coastal Commission for seeing the trees and not the Forest. Commissioners will eat free for their lifetimes.

All ‘This Way to Beach’ store signs have been confiscated and replaced with signs pointing east. Also, cell phone signals have been jammed in South Laguna. This two-prong strategy is aimed at teenagers, who are totally reliant on spoken MapQuest instructions while educationally inept at discerning incorrectly pointing travel signage. Swarms of teenagers will end up swimming in the Colorado River to the quiet delight of South Laguna property owners. Colorado River residents will deal with the teenage deluge by ingesting large quantities of marijuana edibiles not yet legalized here.

A portion of your pilfered cash has been set-aside for residents who need optical repair surgery due to the semi-total eclipse. I have negotiated with ‘Doctors Without Borders and Licenses’ to keep services inline with the percentage of the total eclipse. Where Oregon residents must pay 100%, I have negotiated a 65% surgical discount in line with Laguna’s 65% eclipse.

Lastly, while everyone was looking up, I placed everyone’s home on the Historic Registry. All Laguna property owners are listed now as ‘E’ for exceptional. I signed into law that owners receive a 90% reduction in property taxes. Design and Review has been cratered and sent to the moon. Do whatever you want to your property.

So as you can see, a lot can happen when you keep your head down and your nose to the grindstone.

Crantz tried convincing the Indy that the next total eclipse was scheduled to be one week away on Aug. 28 at the same time, 9:06 a.m. Readers are advised not to look up. Please keep one hand on wallets and purses.