Let’s Go Parking

By Mark Crantz
By Mark Crantz

You know you are older when going parking has become a problem. In high school, we had a special place to go parking and there always seemed to be enough room for cars, and birds and bees, too.  Now everybody is older and fuzzy about parking with benefits so it is necessary to hire a consultant to guide people back to days of yore when parking was fun.

In the first study, the consultants concluded that to improve public transportation it would be necessary to redirect bus routes to bus stops where residents have stood waiting for a year or more. Ten per cent of these residents were rousted by local police and told to move it along or spend a night in the pokey. All of these patient riders chose the pokey when they discovered that the police station was right next door to a bus stop that worked daily rather than yearly. “Now I plan on getting a lot more done,” said one redirected rider. “And the comfortable holding cell gave me some nice muted color schemes to use in my interior design shop that I plan to open once I can find 10 additional customer parking spaces in order to get village and coastal commission approvals,” the man from La Mancha dreamed out loud to consultant survey questions.

Residents, who attended the consultant presentation, suggested that the public transportation study be expanded to focus on ways to entice new passengers and forget the existing rider base that is comprised of seniors, students, and domestic workers, who were found after a more detailed analysis to be statistically just one pale rider who suffered motion sickness, and who was a senior citizen, and who was a terminally enrolled student who stayed in school to terminally defer his Sallie Mae tuition payments.

Consultants agreed with residents to find ways to entice car drivers to leave their car keys on the counter and take public transportation instead. Consultants suggested that Laguna residents look to Detroit for parking answers. Recently, Detroit repossessed all cars 90 days past due and found only one driver current with his car payment which increased Detroit transit ridership by millions and lowered by the same millions those drivers waiting for license plate renewals at the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV).  “I breezed right through,” exclaimed the surprised senior student who did domestic work because there were no jobs available in his major, cat doilies. Other city solutions have jammed new keyless car fobs with iPhone engine stalling applications that coordinate breakdowns at designated bus stops throughout towns desperate for more parking availability. The same jamming phone application automatically signals the city’s towing service and provides an additional revenue stream to the general fund.

But perhaps the best suggestion came from a Susi Q participant who joined in on a walk and/or peddle field trip to generate feedback on a concurrent study that is outlining a city network that will better coordinate pedestrians, cyclists, and motorists in getting around town.  Her suggestion provides 10% area shopping and eating discounts to resident clown cars that disperse the most shoppers from any one vehicle. These designated HOV spaces will give drivers a free annual parking permit, contingent on whether drivers can free and change back the Susi Q participants’ shoes that were turned to stone under the center’s bench when participants were out on their civic minded walkabout. Why participants went shoeless will be taken up in another upcoming study.  Stay tuned.

Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago.  He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.”  His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.

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