Trees Geez
By Mark D. Crantz
The reason why I’ve retired to a drafty monastery way up the mountain is to tell people my loftier thoughts. I feel kind of bad for Laguna folks stuck at sea level.
There’s less oxygen there because the bottlebrush trees aren’t around anymore to give off life-sustaining oxygen to residents. The Laguna Beach bottlebrush trees at the Village Entrance have been cut down and carted off. Feeling woozy, Lagunans?
Laguna Beach calls itself a tree city. These proclamations are heralded on a regular basis to remind ourselves that we are environmentally correct. Everybody wants to be as green as Kermit the Frog. Scientists study frogs to measure their sensitivity to the environment. There are two experiments popular among scientists. The direct and indirect approaches. In the first, the scientist asks the lab frog, “Are you feeling green today?” “No,” answers the frog, “I’m woozy. What did you do to the bottlebrush trees?” In the second experiment, the scientist places the frog in a pot of water and slowly brings it to a boil. “How are you feeling?” asks the scientist. “A bit warm.” Several minutes pass. “And now?” “Warmer.” “Do you want to get out?” asks the scientist. “Oh no, just promise me you’ll keep watching to stop the pot from boiling.”
“No problem. I’ll keep watching. Let’s measure how woozy you are.” The frog croaks back, “Sure.” The scientist says,” Can you see the ocean?” The frog snarls. “The view is blurry. My vision is going in and out.” The scientist makes the notation. “My, oh my, you sound more like Oscar the Grouch than Kermit the Frog. Scientifically, it’s been proven that Oscar is grouchy because he lives in a garbage can with no view of the ocean. But you, living at the Village Entrance, have a beautiful, unobstructed view of the ocean. There are no scientific grounds to be green with envy of Oscar the Grouch.”
“Wait. Eureka, I found it,” proclaims the scientist, who has been busy looking at his data. “If you’re green with envy, then I find you, healthy as a horse or… frog will work, too.” Silence ensues. The scientist looks up and back at the boiling pot of water. “Oops. Sorry frog. I looked away. Oh well, lunch is ready. Frog legs for today. Bring me another frog for the afternoon session. We’ll reverse the approaches. The pot of boiling water first and then the direct questions second. That will work better.”
North Laguna is lucky. I’ve been told that they have tree streets. Several streets, including Jasmine, have magnificent trees that stand high and proud. Other north-side residents are known to come over to the tree streets to borrow a cup of oxygen to take back to their streets to aid in their blurry vision of the ocean.
Of course, you don’t want to bother your neighbors every day for oxygen. Instead, many residents have started a tree campaign. They plant a tree, then get the City to declare the tree worthy of admittance to the historic tree registry. The City proclaims the tree a national treasure and awards owners a tax break on their water bills. Neighboring residents engorged with oxygen from these new life-sustaining trees who complain about obstructed views will be placed in free garbage cans to complain. Oscar will be green with envy.
Crantz tells the Indy that he has never seen a poem lovely as a tree. This sentence was provided by AI. My apologies to Joyce Kilmer and his descendants.
