Flip Your Attitude Switch
John Gottman is a researcher who created a system to determine the success rate of relationships based on studying videotapes of couples interacting. He tracks the ups and downs of a couple’s level of positive and negative emotion.
He mainly focuses on what he calls the Four Horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism and contempt. The emotion he considers the most revealing is contempt.
Gottman considers contempt the single most important sign that the relationship is in trouble. He defines contempt as qualitatively different from criticism. Contempt is any statement made from a superior level. It is trying to put that other person on a lower plane. He further states that, in general, women are more critical, and men are more likely to stonewall. “We find that women start talking about a problem, men get irritated and turn away, the women get more critical, and it becomes a circle. But there aren’t any gender differences when it comes to contempt.”
The dictionary defines contempt as disdain, scorn, mockery, derision, abusive reproach, mean opinion and disgust. This information is useful to assess how we interact with others and also how we treat ourselves.
The habit of runaway self-criticism is rampant. Many of us are so used to hearing inner criticism that we hardly notice how consistently invalidating and contemptuous we often are to ourselves. Since the health of our attitude is a crucial factor in how we manage our world, here is how to do an attitude overhaul.
Let’s create four horsemen of our own and name them: respect, harmony, gratitude and praise. These four attitudes hold the key to transforming how we are presently experiencing our lives. Successful self-management can evolve by embracing these four attributes.
When you adopt an attitude of respect, you bring consideration, regard, courtesy, politeness, attention and reverence into your energetic field. This allows you to bypass the rough, crude, rude, negative thinking that drains energy and fosters defensiveness, interpersonal upsets and disappointments.
The second attitude adjustment is harmony. When you bring harmony into your life, you validate the idea of unity. Community, cooperation, caring, mutual understanding, synergy, collaboration and ease flow from this way of seeing. When you actively seek out ways that you are similar to others instead of different, you move away from isolation, anxiety, and the fear that “they are out to get me, and I need to defend myself against attack.”
The third attitude is gratitude. To be grateful for something, you must first assign value to it. If you don’t value it, you can’t be grateful. We often overlook the wonderful aspects of our lives because we are relentlessly driving ourselves forward at breakneck speed. When we stop and evaluate our lives through the lens of gratitude, we miraculously see a life full of value, right here and right now. Therefore, it is worthwhile to intentionally take stock of the valuable people, experiences, and possessions you presently have if you want to bring more satisfaction into your life.
The fourth attitude is praise. Praise is the mother of beauty. Think about it. You wouldn’t praise or compliment something that you think is ugly. When you adopt an attitude of praise, you must be actively looking for and seeking out beauty. If you want more beauty, see more beauty by increasing your self-acceptance and your acceptance of others. Seeking beauty opens the doors to curiosity, love, kindness and the lightening up of critical judgments.
When you exercise the healing power that resides in all respectful, harmonious, grateful and complimentary actions, you can watch the magic as your habitual and stilted ways of seeing yourself and others are magically transformed. All that is required is a flip of your attitude switch.
Susan has been a local since 1986. Her career has been in the Human Potential Industry since the mid-70s. More information at susanvelasquez.com
