Pet Peeves

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Laguna Executive Order

By Mark Crantz
By Mark Crantz

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I have a friend since childhood, who I have tried to emulate. He’s smart. He knows a lot about a lot. He can converse about business, sports, politics, entertainment and travel. Over the years, he’s gotten slimmer while others got fatter. And he’s sharper today while others have become dimmer. Let me introduce you. He’s my television set. His nickname is Telly. Oh, and most important, Telly has never asked me for money like other mooching friends and relatives. This distinction makes us inseparable. Telly is the greatest friend in the world.

But now, there’s a new guy vying for my emulation. He’s trying to break up Telly and me. He tells anyone who will listen that Telly makes up stories. He’s fake. The new guy has done an end around Telly by going direct to everyone. His best friend is Tweet not Telly. Tweet is at most 140 characters long, but packs a ‘War and Peace’ wallop. Nobody wants to be on the receiving end of President Trump’s best friend, Tweet. Car manufacturers, pharmaceutical companies and Rosie O’Donnell have all been caught in Tweet’s crosshairs.

Tweet’s power is impressive. Trump tweets to 20 million listeners compared to NBC’s “Today Show” at 4 million. Sure, Tweet’s numbers are sky high, but deflate quickly when you realize that Al Roker lost 22 million pounds and gets the weather 100% right through Telly. So game on…#hashtagTrump/stormchasers vs. #hashbrownsRoker/couch potatoes.

China gets a lot of Trump tweets. These digital shout outs accuse the Chinese of unfair trading practices, currency manipulation, computer hacking and even the patent theft of the Chinese food delivery containers actually invented in 1894 by a Chicago man, whose wife couldn’t cook and insisted on eating out every night.

Ironically, Trump’s inauguration and the Chinese New Year were within a week of each other, Jan. 21 and 28, respectively. For the Chinese, it’s the new year of the rooster. For Americans, it’s the new year of, well, a rooster, too. Our rooster is adorned with beautiful orange plumage and promises to cock a doodle tweet on everything to everyone, and swears to keep Fox and CNN out of the hen house.

I’m sticking with Telly. But I’ll take a page from Trump and declare my first Laguna Executive Order. “Citizens will support our local merchants. Drink lots of Laguna Greeter Ale.”


Crantz tells the Indy that he has been drinking local for years. Cheers. And stay tuned. Good luck to all of us.


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