Pet Peeves


Put Your Pencils Down

by Mark D. Crant

The test results of the California Assessment of Student Performance and Progress, referred to by students as “Copy Off the Smart Guy Next to You” (Copycat) are in.  Laguna did great. Eighty-two percent beat state standards in English and 74 percent did better in mathematics. One proud mother exclaimed, “I wasn’t surprised. Timmy is much better this year at manipulating me for more video games and increases in allowance. I never tested well as a child. Timmy is running academic circles around me. Parents with state average children don’t know how lucky they have it.

“I believe it’s the eye test I give them,” explained a school nurse. “The standard eye test is placed on a wall 10 feet in front of the students. In Laguna, I’ve placed two eye tests on the walls on either side of the students. We practice keeping eyes straightforward, while they concentrate on improving their peripheral vision. It’s very important to exercise both eyes because you never know which side of you the smart kid will sit on.” The sports coach chimed in. “It’s a great test. A residual benefit is I work with kids who excel in sports because it’s like they have eyes in the back of their heads. Comes in handy in football, soccer and basketball to always know where your opponents are positioned.”

Some teachers are not as pleased. “I have classrooms full of students all day long with their eyes front and center. They have these endearing half smiles plastered on their faces. It appears to be a teacher’s teaching dream come true. But I’ve found at the end of the school day, I’m missing my wallet, briefcase, future quizzes, even my gifts of student apples. It’s a nightmare. We’re raising a generation of pickpockets.”

The students take umbrage with these accusations. A student at the beach, who was skipping school at the time, tried to set the record straight. “We don’t cheat and we don’t steal. I think I know what teacher said that. She has it in for us kids. I don’t know what her problem is. She needs help. I hope she gets it. All of us believe the school nurse could help her. The nurse has developed a revolutionary hypnotic treatment program that could reduce this teacher’s anxieties and doubts. In just a few short treatment sessions, I guarantee you this teacher will see us for the angels that we are.”

A school spokesman summed it up. “In Laguna, we have perfected the whole child approach. Our staff addresses the academic and social-emotional needs of students for long-term success…(pause)…Have you seen my car keys?”


Crantz tells the Indy he believes in Laguna’s whole child approach over other school districts’ King Solomon teaching practices.   






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