Pet Peeves



By Mark D. Crantz

It was a good news, bad news kind of day for a Victoria Beach family. An Orange County Superior Court judge upheld a cease and desist order from the California Coastal Commission that required the family to remove a seawall they built to protect their home. That’s the bad news. The good news is the judge’s son-in-law is in the seawall business and recommended on Angie’s list.

The family contests the court’s decision. They contend that they had city approval for minor repairs to the 1952 seawall and didn’t need the approval of the California Coastal Commission. Neighbors on the other side of the seawall in Japan support the family’s decision to appeal the court’s ruling. They say, “What’s the big deal? We cannot even see the seawall because of our rising sun. Why do Americans keep talking walls, walls, walls? We think it started with Trump-san. He’s worried someone may get too close and look down and see his bald spot. Trying to keep his big hairy secret. Silly. We see comb over from Japan. Also, your Village Entrance looks nice from here.”

While the family waits on their appeal to Judge Judy, they sought the counsel of wall mural artist Robert Wyland. They asked, “How come you have 100 whale walls all over the world and no problems with the Coastal Commission? Whereas, we repair one lousy wall and have this much trouble?” Wyland put down his brush and gave a one-word answer, “clicks.” “What?” said the family in surprise. “You mean the sounds whales make to communicate?” Wyland clapped his hands and refused further comment until the family figured out to give him a fish. “Yummy. That’s correct. Whales are my political allies and they protect me from political gobbledegook. “How do the whales do it?” they inquired. Wyland opened wide and got another fish. “They threaten to stop migrating and use the beaches as Airbnbs. Short-term, no less. The Coastal Commission is afraid of alienating the world’s largest mammals and hazard these short-term sit-ins.”

The family is now reviewing their options. They may hire Wyland to draw whales on their seawall. Or they are considering advice they received from their friendly neighbors in Japan. They suggest flowers over whales because nobody wants to dance around with wallflowers. Even the Coastal Commission.

Thar she blows…over.

Crantz tells the Indy he would paint killer whales and flowers on the wall, because there is nothing more dangerous than a killer whale stood up to dance.


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