We’re back from our version of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. I didn’t get a bonus or swimming pool. Relatives are the same. Did you miss us, Laguna? Oh, I’m sorry to hear real estate fell 5% on the day of our return. There’s no need to worry, home values will bounce back next spring when we leave town again. There you see, now you have something to look forward to. The Crantzes are dedicated to civil service. We’re just like the Kennedys. Well, not just like. There are only two of us, a net worth of two cents and no memory of a Marilyn.
It’s good to be back. We would have arrived sooner, but we couldn’t find the village entrance. It added a few hours to our trek from Michigan. Normally, travel experts peg this trip at 30 hours. But we got turned around at the Arch in St. Louis, which is the gateway to the west. That’s the way we should have been going. But the Arch is like Laguna’s roundabout and we were spit out east instead. We learned of our mistake when we saw the cherry blossoms in Washington, which is a surprising sight for late December. Obviously, El Nino is ahead of us and we worry that El Chapo might be behind us. Both spell bad times. Few people seem aware of this new weather development. Washington felt abandoned without more pushy aborists screaming, “Push the petals to the metal. And don’t run over the blossoms.” Driving was torturous even with fewer intoxicated aborists high on cherry blossoms. We didn’t stand around for the traditional shot of us holding up a copy of the Indy. We feared we’d be run over by the fast and furious.
We got turned around in the right direction. This time we avoided the Arch and took Lewis and Clark’s Northwest Passage. Much of this route is the same as when Lewis and Clark took it. There are no exits with gas stations, restaurants, or hotels. I saved quite a bit of money taking this route and to tell the truth the lack of exits helped because once you’ve been to one you’ve been to all of them. I believe traveling conventional highways can be discouraging because it feels like you are never making any progress, but just getting off at the same place over and over. My wife disagrees. She took offense at the off road driving, camping and doing you know what in the woods. I told her the trip was a learning experience. She said she learned never to travel with me again. I responded that Clark felt the same way and never went with Lewis anywhere again.
Now safe and sound and back in Laguna, my wife is speaking to me again, but more to the travel agent for the next trip. I really can’t blame her. Our trip was dicey and I never said I was a travel expert. I suppose if she runs off without me, I’ll know she is in safe hands. Of course, in my heart of hearts, she’ll never leave me because of me. She’ll leave because of the discovery we both made.
Eureka Laguna, there’s water out there, as much as you want. People run the tap day and night. They even flush the toilet when they don’t have to. How can I possibly compete with that? Two thirds of my wife, like everybody else, is made up of water. I might just have to leave myself. Honey, wait up.
Debbie is planning a trip to the Artic Circle. Debbie is taking no chances and got the directions and arranged for an expert crew to tug a glacier back to Laguna for our water supply. Mark insists on coming along. Mark will be in charge of snow cones. So rest easy Laguna. Water is on its way thanks to the civic mindedness of at least one Crantz.
