Heart Talk

Furry Hats and Sculpture Trios

On “The Late Show,” Stephen Colbert, does a hilarious segment wearing a giant furry hat, reminding viewers that all powerful rulers like Genghis Khan wore such lids. He proclaims that anything he says will now and forever become law. If I had a hat with such power, I would proclaim the following laws:

Let it be written that anyone who does not wait their turn at a four way stop on Glenneyre Street is subject to a citizen’s arrest. Their punishment will be to sit in the middle of the sculpture trio in front of the fire station for four hours. I know this comes close to violating the Eighth Amendment’s “cruel and usual punishment” clause. But, what the hell, they deserve it.

From this day forward when locals, who support restaurants year around, are told there is a waiting list for a table, their names shall be placed before all tourists.

Henceforth, when anyone buys a house in town in order to tear it down and build a larger one, they must rent a house next door during construction. They, too, must share in the noise, dust, and parade of contractors that their future neighbors must endure.

I declare that from this day until the end of days, Fox News will appear on the Comedy Central Channel.

It is now and forever law that bicycle riders in our town can no longer pedal with that smug grin that says, “I own the moral high ground, because I have a smaller carbon footprint than you.”

From now on, parking lots that charge exorbitant fees on weekends and holidays must wash and wax the cars that must pay to park there.

Again, let it be written that Birkenstocks, no matter what recent fashion magazines have said, are still ugly, and are banned within the city limits.

It is now and forever law that anyone wishing to run for city council must write an essay explaining what they really think of the sculpture group in front on the fire station.

Let it be known that anyone who pays by check at the super market and then does the subtraction in their bank book, thus holding up the line, is banned from that store for all of eternity.

Henceforth, there will be an age limit on males in Laguna Beach who wear baseball caps backwards. That age will be 12.

From now on, those wishing to use the basketball courts on Main Beach, where once good players performed for appreciative crowds, must now pass a skills test before being allowed to fling their bricks toward the rim. They must be able to dribble and chew gum at the same time.

It is declared that millennials on a restaurant date, who look at their cell phones more than once instead of engaging in conversation, shall immediately be asked to leave and go to Newport Beach.

Any visitor to our art festivals who is heard saying, “I could paint that,” should immediately be forced to paint that.

Let it be known throughout the city that the test of good citizenship is to fling one’s self in front of the sculpture trio before a tourist can take a picture of it. We are a town known for its art. Let’s not ruin our reputation.                                                                                                                                                When faced with moral dilemmas, citizens of Laguna Beach must ask themselves, “What would Atticus do?”

While not a decree, the hat strongly recommends that all those passing on foot between Brooks and Cress Streets stop at Laguna Beach Books. Local treasures are not to be missed.

I declare, from this day until the end of days, that each bartender in town must ask the following question: “Would you like that to be a double?”

The Hat has spoken.

James Utt wears only a Los Angeles Angel’s cap, which sadly confers little power.