Homeless Man Details His Shelter Experiences

Editor,

I have on so many occasions started to write letters to Laguna and Orange County newspaper editors on all things homeless focused on my frustrations here.

To debate government policy, people’s misconceptions, while to offer potential solutions other countries, communities have found successful for our transient ness (how many times can a guy type ‘homeless’ after all) I have recently been through some excruciating mental tests as I now reflect.

I feel a different kind of angry, thanks mostly to my affiliation with ACLU. And Eve’s Passion for helping. Explaining some of the ‘why’, I never was able to finish those letters or for that matter my 10 or so attempts at my tragic American novel (perhaps waiting for the happy ending) or all the other meaningful ideas that never came to fruition. Suffice to say, this (these, more to come) letters are getting written, for me crucial they are published as finally I’ve found my voice and finally I need you to hear me.

Ironically, I think the best tool in my box is writing. When involving the weighty issues of having a broken life, my writing has evolved into something like a surrogate shrink due probably to no free shrinks for us! Official county policy. So the writing becomes a completely honest stream of consciousness thing where the act itself of writing on these issues trigger reliving, re-feeling in micro detail those definable moments of life that sum up an existence.

With that, opportunity to “process” stuff if you’ve been so initiated to go there, and too – sometime ya just get lucky. Epiphanies happen! So if you see some guy in Starbucks or the library over a PC while sobbing freely and blowing nose a lot – just me, relax. I’m in therapy.

So why are we here?

Funny you should ask!
 First let’s be on the same page.
 People with disabilities, not their fault. We agree! Now erase that image of all the awesome homeless people you’ve helped by saying hello, feed, give money, etc.

It’s the really gross, loud, smelly cigarette and pot smoking, bodily fluids flowing, wicked mouth having, drunken, hell, Just Drunken, public sleeping, beach park ruining, non-matching-clothes-wearing, fighting, bad singing, worse guitaring, always begging, often stealing, oh so lonely broken souls…. that are in the vast majority of disabled populations, and are what happens when a family can’t and a country won’t take care of those with disabilities. It’s not up for debate. There is no other truth. You must own this. Collectively. Soon to issue government stats, proof, you’ll see…. (it’s fixable).

Also, ummm, you don’t get to define disabled, nor the politicians, especially not the cops. Not even a judge on a bench gets to. So quit it. Mental illness can be invisible, hideable, manipulatable, retractable, often controllable (kinda), deniable, multiple, (tried to trade mine in for that one, damn my luck!) as well as obvious and places inbetween.

The ACLU are back and suing the city again, lots of legal words. For me, boils down to dollar store Bandaids. The ones that don’t stick well. Remember they settled a lawsuit and thusly forced to do a right thing. They didn’t, they don’t. They won’t. ASL shelter hurts many, killed a bunch. I’ll show you.

I was kicked out of the shelter under some very hinky circumstances, actually, not hinky so much as evil. I’ll issue facts and try to ignore my need to opine apoplectic :_) You judge.

For the record, it is and has always been in my letters, written to ASL management and verbal statements to use professional polygrapher for me and those I accuse. I will put up my end with the caveat my innocence will reimburse. This stands today with passion! I have never lied in accusation. I will go into great detail on any media that allows. For this I’ve not the space for all the words necessary to make the complete case. Be assured all claims made here are demonstrable, provable, the absolute truth, and connect.

1. I was a Laguna resident for many years before henny penny sky bla bla. I’m homeless, and have remained such due to being a victim of individuals over zealous use of powers at best. Creating the perfect storms ultimately that has me here.
2. The effects of all I’ve experienced since has greatly exacerbated a pre- existing condition of depression to that now of clinical (My Disability) and at points life threatening. I had been treating and in treatment on / off with depressive symptoms since my 20s (53 these days) and plays into my status in the first place, my inability to be proactive and advocate for myself. For 7 to 8 years, until now? I pray!

First the box, the ASL shelter. The suit alleges facts of not being in full compliance with ADA standards. The van has no option for wheelchairs, walkers and those disabilities affecting the task of pulling oneself up into a van as the bus to downtown is across the very dangerous canyon road and the stop involved has no shoulder, thus won’t allow wheelchairs or walkers anyway as a ramp from bus is used only when shoulder allows. Much will be left out today on ADA compliance but most egregious for many is access. I’m a perfect example. As they kicked me out permanently for very nefarious reasons. No access.

An incident years ago to start…I was in a fight that was initiated by another in the shelter a short time after I had a confrontation, words, with him for stealing my property. He strikes me in the face. I go call the police to enforce assault. The staff, confused with the lies he told them, did the best they could to garner truth yet tried to gather us in parking lot to ‘talk it out’. There he made known his position of manipulation or lying (vivid memories of his sheepish grin) and desired to let things lie (who can pun!) while he clenched hand to fist. Assuming as we were in the parking lot, then domain of the police, in that instant I swung, connecting effectively knocking him to ground. Police come out, hear all involved. Officer told me he believed me to be in self defense, yet was not going to do anything that night appreciating all the incidences, drama, and circumstances of life there. The director of shelter, despite my best efforts to get her to talk to witnesses in a timely way, made the decision close to six days later as was off friday, weekend and beginning days of that week. She exits me for two weeks and does not punish him at all. (Despite my violence in parking lot until that day, was unpunishable by staff, to be police rule only. (The director’s on the fly ‘new rules’ in effect.)

Turns out he accused me, during some great performance with the director, (alone as you can’t confront your accuser. And just before hearing my version.) of my initiating with punch to neck as well as calling him a f — word used to slander our gay brother and sisters. She took great offense, literally screaming at me in questioning whether indeed I said this despite my denials and incredulity to the entire ordeal. While my insides begin freaking out, leg bouncing, stomach churning, hair itching, skin heating, scalp itching, as I’m floating in the realization she had already made her mind up, I’ve not a chance , 30 something seconds into my turn at this! How can this be happening to me again.

I assumed my default position cloaked, introverted isolation, loops of injustice, mind reeling, depressed. The word fails the reality.
 Suicide becomes intent, not words. But more, or something else? Puppeting, elusive, forgiving, tempting, promising, swimmy, warm, yet not, cold but not, dark, paradoxical, I’m a puppet? And I don’t know what has the strings. None of this is thought, in the moment, it’s remnants after the emotion wanes, tears dry, composure allowed to enter. Completely spent. This stuff, this is what I get to carry around.

The thoughts, simple… have plan, make plan, check plan, act. Repeat till pain is gone.
 Been there five or six times, maybe more. It’s episodic. Not that I was clued into anything while in that darkness. I’ve tried once to take my life. Didn’t take. Thank goodness.

And one of the results was the dark side (people that dislike me) now had purpose to steal, mock, initiate or get me to initiate violence as to lie to staff and the director was as easy as manipulating friends and family for their drugs. Interesting in time, lots of time she came to know the truth. The guy was on and very involved with abusing meth and prison record, and I believe Ferris the cop’s admonishments. (more?) Although not an apology, issued an appeal for my forgiving her due to the difficulty such decisions can be. I personally had little to do with him. I don’t carry any prejudice nor knowledge of his prison, drug story /use. By the way, I had broken bleeding skin where he hit me. He had no markings on his neck per his pursuits. He got people to lie for him in trade for pot. Staff can corroborate.

Next incident. A staff member with the director’s okay per phone, threw me out one night for this lady’s accusation of sexual harassment. When she herself and other staff there admitted that night she (they) knew I wasn’t guilty of harassment, but the accusation warranted it! It became a 14 page document I produced involving every detail, back story, and ramifications due to another hand out to those whom threaten to, by any means discredit me, and have me removed. Sent to the director and her two superiors at Friendship asking for a meeting, which I never received.

I do and will be confrontational with folks when confronted with issues that unfairly affect me or those very vulnerable without a voice. And as a local with ‘perks’ and frankly as a Jewish person in poverty where I experience almost daily some anti-Semitism and witness all forms of prejudice to and from one another due to ignorance, fear, anger and depression of life in those circles. And these person’s involved were of those who crossed me, initiated situations on various occasions.

This particular departure from basic common sense again ripping along old scars had me constantly on the defensive for weeks. One incident a few days later, staff wrongly assumed I was instigator for another’s screaming outburst. He was walking out of the shelter, I was walking in. The staff member, going to see what all the yelling issues was about, and I reacted instantly by yelling at her, in her face, obviously angry exclaimed, “Thank you. It’s comments like that that will help me to get you f–ing fired.” To wit, she said you’re out, get out for two days. I then stated as soon as I get my plate. (I was in line for food, my intention for my entrance) then to wit she called the police making it two weeks. (The director’s policy is to call police due to a fight or refusal. Note, another staff member, and one of the few staff that never takes anything personally, agreed with my assessment and disagreed with outcome.) That incident forced the director to do a training class to reinforce concepts of fairness and not to take for example (people with disabilities potentially quicker to anger) or anyone’s anger, outbursts etc. personally, reacting personally. Again letter to director, her bosses, requesting a meeting, all to zero avail. The training never took among the staff and others as all the feedback I’ve gotten since speaks to school monitors awash with power. That corrupts. (Remember those folks.)

Late that night in the lot I went to street and played physically in baby attempts to run in front of cars. Crying, carrying on in another what I’ve come to refer to as episodic involuntary acts of feeling total hopeless, a darkness I still don’t fully understand. You just want the pain to end. And write this only to point out cause and effect. They determine disability the way a child determines what candy to pick. It’s emotional. This is another reason so many get worse.

Last incident of this report about the director’s incredible bias against me, that ultimately colors staffs perception and her superiors of whom I only had great relations with while in Friendship Shelter for four months and prior to the director’s misinformation whenever that started. And what feels like the director’s metamorphosis into what exactly to call this? My destruction? I haven’t begun the police harassment side yet! Their misperceived assumptions, bias and injustice! (there’s so much to this but…)

The stick that broke camel’s back…
The last incident was when I was trying to help a staff member get the AC turned on, on a warm day in the canyon. Thus hot in the box. Without my voice at any point loud or disrespectful, purposely, because then I knew how dangerously reactive she was.

I was later told, I didn’t know at the time, that a girl with severe mental difficulties, that assumed control of key and locked AC controls, hid the key. Her insistent desire was to keep AC off.

Exited another two days for her imbalance, which the director and company turned into forever.

Days, perhaps a week after my trial declarations and depositions were made public to them and were obviously disapproving. You judge.
 Just provable, documented facts…

The director, despite a doctor’s prescription, denied a long time resident with late stage cancer an extra mat and has suffered back issues as a result.

The director has in every situation I’ve seen backed and supports all decisions of her staff despite truth or on it’s face ridiculousness. A staff member threw out a very mild mannered, active in church and helping people sober by choice type guy for a disagreement over who’s to blame for the five Dallas cops that got shot recently – political stuff. He never raised his voice, she did as she put him off the van. He later took the issue to the director, who offered him the opportunity to write a grievance letter – that goes to a box with a key held by the director. He declined for obvious reasons.

The same reply I recieved after I brought my anger and complaint to her over abuses of staff documented in this effort and so many more instances. So I did exercise her new grievance process in extremely detailed documentation that took so many days, hours laboring writing, sobbing, reliving etc. Sent to all Friendship management. All asking for a meeting to resolve big picture with the director in attendance. All to no avail.

The director’s bias against me is perhaps three fold. My intelligence, experience, overall dispositions suggesting I should just ‘get a job’ with no regard to disability. Moreover, the years of misery of rejection and or awful jobs with awful bosses.

Perhaps our director and myself, connecting initially as members of AA, and friends where for my part felt safe enough to share deeply with, emotionally at times. (I do seem to cry a lot though) and my subsequent change of heart regarding the AA model, and my new then attitudes of how I wanted to approach my drinking, pot use. Her then obvious disappointment. Her subsequent statements in deposition offering my drink and drug use as the reason for everything as to my exits. When ironically it’s this false bias that has them judging incorrectly time and again. Most telling was the declarative statement she made before being exited permanently to quote “Michael, you’re the instigator of all your problems, and that business (medical marijuana) was not even legal back then.”

Anecdotally, I have been made aware of too many instances to document pointing to staff making up new rules to suit a particular situation in the moment as reason to exit or shame individuals. As was my experience with the director, in these writings. The ASL clients, since my exit confiding their stories with me later. Much of that will be made public.

Every single staff member without exception when new connect with me and I with them on levels professional and friendly. Often comedic. Yet in time adopt the director’s bias that come through in their attitude and judgments. With two exceptions, who would be perfect as the Nightingale’s they are inside.

I ask you to write Laguna policy makers and have Friendship’s management agreements with ASL terminated. (or hire me!)

Enough for now, next the police, finishing with years of ‘just being around it’ research combined with life experiences of the solutions that are working all over!

Stay tuned. It gets worse and better too! and all connects…

Michael Newman.

Write me [email protected]

 

Editor’s Note: This letter was edited to remove identifying names and comments about sexual orientation.