Opinion: Pet Peeves


Here We Go Again

By Mark D. Crantz

By Mark D. Crantz

City Council delays Promenade Project. Here we go again using that dreaded word. Delay. Let’s say it again, Laguna. Delay. Now, let’s all hold hands, sway and sing, “We are the delay.” Here’s my idea of a good delay. “Good morning, Mr. Crantz. This is your credit card company calling. There’s been a delay on your billing. We need to find a bigger envelope for all the charges. Don’t pay your credit card this month. Now that’s a delay I can get behind.

I suppose in the Promenade case, there’s good reason to delay. More residents want to have input on the plans and design of the permanent Promenade. Some folks don’t want the Promenade just because of the name. They think it sounds French, and anything French is too fancy. The only French thing they like is French fries, minus the mayonnaise dip, of course. Other residents can’t stand the promenade name because it’s a fancy word for going out walking. The meaning requires you to stroll through town in a leisurely way even if the police are chasing you. “Slow down, you idiot. You’re in a promenade, n’est-ce pas?”

Then, some residents demand a complete name change. Promenade or leisurely walking is too boring. These folks have gotten behind a new name, the Laguna Steeple Chase. This is much more athletic. Say you go out to dinner on the Laguna Steeple Chase. You would have to jump over fences of varying heights before getting to your restaurant of choice. Working for your dinner would suppress the appetite and save calories. Also, you would likely skip dessert. No mayonnaise-covered macarons because you know you have the steeple chase back to the car.

Of course, the Susi Q seniors are against the names Promenade or Steeple Chase. I asked a senior what she wanted to do to Forest Avenue. She said, “Speak up. I can’t hear you.” I said louder, “WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO FOREST AVENUE?” “Pipe down. I’ll tell you just what I’d do. I’d cut off all the parking meter heads like Cool Hand Luke and then reattach shower grab bars to them up and down Forest. You know, 70% of slips and falls happen outside of the shower. Then I’d christen the new place with a bottle of Maalox, Grab Bar Central.”

Merchants are divided on the project. Some think the Promenade helps business. Others think the Promenade makes it more difficult to get to their stores. All merchants agree either with or without a Promenade, their prices will remain high to keep up with the baristas. One gallery owner lamented, “I can’t find any non-coffee drinking painters. All of them are over-caffeinated, and the costs are being passed along by painting by numbers. A practice once done by beginning artists who didn’t know how to paint or make a buck.

Crantz tells the Indy he favors Grab Bar Central because walking or running is out of the question.

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