Opinion: Pet Peeves


Life Coach-Lesson 6

By Mark Crantz

It’s been over a month since the government advised us to isolate ourselves. Experts believe the coronavirus will not come into our homes unless invited. There have been some close calls. Several weeks ago, one alert reader shared his experience. KNOCK. KNOCK. “Who’s there? “ Visitor answers, “Tom Hanks.  Can I come in?” Resident asks, “I thought you were quarantined in Australia.” Visitor replies, “Yes, I was released an hour ago.”  Resident takes a quick social distance step back from the door. “You’re not Hanks. You couldn’t have gotten from Australia to Laguna in one hour.” Visitor huffs, “Open up this door or I’ll show you there’s crying in baseball.”

Laguna police were called in. The visitor was gone. But the police found a Royal typewriter with a note stuck in it. It read, “I’ll be back.”  Police are now looking into Arnold Schwarzenegger, as a person of interest. Police have reassured the public that they are prepared to go back to 1984 to talk to the movie action hero. So far, no police personnel have volunteered to go back buck-naked. A police union representative explains, “We can’t do our jobs out of uniform. It takes away our authority and reveals our love for donuts. We have advised the city that we prefer to wait 36 years to speak to Arnold. Rest assured, the long arm of the law will get our man.

As your life coach, I caution readers to not open your doors to movie stars. Be careful.  You probably have become sick of your own company. You feel desperate to reconnect contact with humanity. But you have to be realistic.  Do you really think Schwarzenegger, Hanks or the Kardashians have come to see you? It is doubtful. Remember, they didn’t know you before the outbreak. Why would they suddenly know you now? It doesn’t make sense. You have to get a grip. KNOCK. KNOCK. Wait readers, there’s someone at my door. “Oh…it’s Ellen DeGeneres. Please come in. What do I owe the pleasure? You think I stole one piece from the 4,000-piece puzzle you were doing on Instagram. Don’t be silly. I would never…oh no…Ellen put the bat down…there’s no need for any crying in…”  WHACK.

I want to thank the police, paramedics and hospital personnel for getting to me in time.  Because of them, I’ve been assured a full recovery. I’ve learned several valuable lessons during these difficult times of isolation. First, as a life coach, I need to practice what I preach. Don’t open your door to movie stars. And second, movie star impersonators are on the rise and very talented. They prey on the most vulnerable folks, our senior citizens.  KNOCK. KNOCK. Oh, I have a visitor.  “Wow. It’s Betty Davis. Come in. Let me ask you, whatever happened to baby Jane?”

Crantz tells the Indy that readers must stay strong. Invite only someone you know over for a game of Solitaire.

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