Opinion: Pet Peeves


Life Coach-Lesson 7

By Mark Crantz

Home is where the heart is. And after weeks of being with your loved ones you feel your heart and the attack coming to it. You ask yourself, why can’t my family get along? Why aren’t they kind to each other? Why did I get such a bad family? Is there an exchange program where I can trade in these Klingons for cuddly Tribbles? 

As your life coach, you must not go where no man has gone before.  our life is not an episode of Star Trek. Get yourself grounded. You are never going to be selected by Sir Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic flight to another planet. You’re not the 0.000001% upper echelon chosen to go. No, you’re just a dinosaur waiting for the coronavirus to hit.  Enjoy the time remaining in Jurassic Park. Tell your family to shape up or eat them.

Feel better? “Burp.” Oh, I’m sorry to hear things didn’t work out. Take these Tums. For other families out there stay strong. All families are going through ups and downs during these in-shelter days. As your self-anointed life coach, I can’t stress enough that you should not eat your family. Yes, even if Oprah recommends it as a high protein, low carb diet. There are better ways to deal with family stress.  Make room for each other. Turn on the Disney channel for the young ones. For the teenagers give up the content control code and leave them be with their doors shut. For your significant other, allow for gender differences in programming. Husbands watch sports reruns, bet on them, lose again and again on them. Whereas, wives watch home improvement shows and never tire hearing show couples say, “We must have four bedrooms; we must have open concept living/dining/kitchen; and we must be close to the beach. Our budget is $29,000.”

I know there are readers out there who think this separate lives advice is not appropriate.  Fine, everyone deserves an opinion. So, why don’t you come over to my house to explain your opinions. I’ll take your temperature at the door, as a precaution; then you can share your opinions over hors d’oeuvres, after which, I’ll eat you and your stupid opinions for dinner. “Burp.” Pass me the Tums.

No more takers for dinner? Good I accept your dining regrets. Now, as the unchallenged life coach of the realm, take this important advice during in-shelter days. Steer clear of each other. Love each other from afar and I guarantee absence will make the heart grow fonder.

Crantz tells the Indy that he never heard of the book “Lord of the Flies.”  But from reader comments, it sounds yummy.

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