The Art of Creating Intimacy
By Susan Velasquez
In our fast-paced society, we have come to expect that everything, including intimacy, can be created instantly. As a result, it can be confusing to determine what level of openness about our personal lives is appropriate for the establishment and continued health of our interpersonal relationships.
With the advent of the internet, e-mail connections are easily made, copious amounts of information are available, and sometimes a new acquaintance can appear to be a relationship match based solely on one source of information.
Intuition is called our sixth sense. It actually is the ability to synthesize information from our five senses to establish a deeper information stream. When we meet another person face-to-face, our eyes take them in. We hear the unspoken deeper messages. We sense their energy and the essence of who they really are. Underneath the surface banter that we all use to begin the process of connection or rejection, a tremendous amount of information is readily available if we allow ourselves to attune to it.
I often get calls from women who have entered into a relationship and become intimately involved, solely because they have corresponded back and forth through e-mail and phone calls, each time becoming more and more open without having any information about the other person from their other senses. I think it is worthwhile to remember that what we communicate to others about ourselves and what they tell us is only a small portion of what is true or relevant.
Being open and self-revealing is a crucial ingredient in the process of building trust with another. No openness, no trust. Too much openness too soon violates self-trust. Runaway openness can leave you unsafe and vulnerable to manipulation. It invites others into your inner life before they have been qualified as respectable or honorable enough to be let in.
Openness is a skill that is crucial and a deciding factor in our success or failure in relationships.
Our awareness of ourselves can be divided into two levels. The first level is what we are aware of about ourselves and can share quite easily with little or no discomfort.
What sits below this level is more sensitive information. We could call this information ‘what I am aware of about myself that makes me more exposed and vulnerable to you as a result of sharing this; therefore, I will be somewhat uncomfortable. This is the level that is best managed by your knowledge about yourself and your intuitive sensing of another. When you are willing to take full responsibility for your openness, you can use your sharing to establish meaningful, substantial, authentic relationships with others.
This under-the-surface level is a two-edged sword. Our willingness to disclose our private selves is a supreme gift that can lead to timeless friendships and the sharing of life’s intimate treasures.
Sharing from this intimate storehouse also creates the experience of being out of control. Once we publish information, it is in the hands of the gods. This threatens our illusion that we can control how others see us.
In order to grow, we must learn to let go. When we risk exposing our deeper thoughts and feelings, we make room for new awareness to surface.
To the extent our emotions are stifled, we lead dwarfed and stunted lives. Our emotions are important to the quality of our lives because they help define what is most important to us.
Rather than dredging up deep, dark secrets and blurting them out before you are ready, you begin to learn the skill of information management by being respectful and patient with yourself about what you are willing to reveal.
Take calculated risks. Test the water. See whether you can trust the vulnerable areas of your life to another. Stretching our willingness to take responsibility to share on a deeper level increases our access to our own emotional richness and the opportunity to be known more fully by those significant others in our lives.
Susan has been writing and producing personal development seminars for over three decades and is the author of Beyond Intellect: Journey into the Wisdom of Your Intuitive Mind. Her website is beyondintellect.com.
