Pet Peeves

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Lucky Numbers or Not

By Mark Crantz
By Mark Crantz 

Many people believe in numbers. Some folks are afraid of the number 13. Others dread the number four. Then there are lucky numbers, like 21, in Blackjack. In Laguna there are seven candidates running for three seats for city council. Is this lucky or unlucky? It’s unlucky for four candidates who lose because there will be no place to sit after Nov. 4. Yikes, that’s three times that fours have shown up in one paragraph.

Four days and seven hours ago, I began this column on the back of an envelope because I didn’t have the Gettysburg address that sold stationery. Not one to be deterred, I finished the column. Unfortunately, my wife then mistook the column as outgoing mail and I didn’t see the envelope for another four days and seven hours. My wife swears she sent it by next day express, but we all know junk mail when we see it. Just yesterday, the envelope was returned to sender attached with a restraining order requiring me to stay 444 feet from any democratic process. So, I’ve reworked the column from the St. Regis Monarch golf course, where I’m playing in a foursome of retirees, who assure me that they haven’t voted since FDR’s executive order 6102 that confiscated all their gold coins, bullion and gold certificates. “Had to work another 40 years. Don’t trust politicians. Besides, you’ll make it a fivesome. You’re good luck. But are you lucky? Five bucks a hole,” explained a retiree.

Four hours later and an unlucky $40 lighter, I hadn’t written another word about the city council race. The group had a lot of good ideas to offer though. The Laguna Woods retiree thought that the race was a re-enactment of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” I couldn’t see the connection. “It made you miss putts on 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 thinking about it. That’s the connection,” giggled the retiree now holding my money. “I can’t match any candidate to Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy and Dopey,” I grumbled back. “Of course you can’t. You’re to young to remember the Walt Disney movie rumor from 1937,” beamed the Dana Point retiree of the wicked slice. “What rumor?” I asked. The Barstow retiree, who was accustomed to living near and in sand traps, explained that conspiracy nuts believed that Walt Disney had an addiction to cocaine, whose street name was Snow White. The dwarfs represent the different stages of addiction.” I huffed back, “You’re grimmer than the Brothers Grimm.”

“Oh, don’t take us literally. We only point out that the Laguna Beach city election is like Snow White because the politicians are addicted to winning and are likely to say anything to get there. And from now until Election Day, residents are sure to show the signs of addiction. Depending on the political claims espoused, you’ll go from moments of grumpy, to happy, to sleepy, to bashful, to sneezy and then to dopey. You’ll try self-medicating, but will end up seeing Doc for pre-stress election syndrome.”

“Wow, that’s depressing. Is there an inoculation for this process?” I inquired. The retirees answered in unison. “Go home and ask the Magic Mirror, who’s the fairest of them all?”

 

Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago. He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.” His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwrite

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