Pet Peeves



by Mark D. Crantz

Whenever something bad happens I’ve been told to scream, “May Day, May Day!” So imagine my surprise after reading the Indy’s “City Officials Encourage Participation in National Preparedness Month.” What? Are they now telling me to scream “September Day, September Day,” when the earth opens up and swallows me?

I’m not inclined to change my scream just because city officials tell me to do so. I’ve got to believe federal intervention is the way to go. When all hell breaks loose, don’t the experts say, “Send in the Marines.” Or if they don’t want to upset the public, the experts on the QT send in the Navy Seals. “Don’t say anything. But your mission is to go rescue Crantz. He fell down the well, again. Lassie is too busy to help. You guys are up.”

I caution readers to stick to the old, tried and true methods to request rescue. If you find yourself drowning, remember to use what we all learned from cartoons. Hold up a one finger when you think you might be in trouble. Hold up two fingers when you are pretty certain you are in trouble. And when things are looking desperate, hold up three fingers.  Should rescuers not arrive after three fingers, go back to one finger, the middle one.

There’s another reason for not going along with city officials’ September Preparedness Month. There are four suggested tasks to do to be prepared. Each task is given one week to accomplish. City officials announced Preparedness Month on Sept. 6. That leaves us a week short to be ready when the comet hits. It’s not like we can negotiate with a comet for a week’s extension into October. “This is Laguna City Officials calling for comet. Come in. Come in. We need an extra week to prepare for your arrival. Please go around the moon once more. If you ignore this request, we will have no choice but to place a high tariff on you.”

I tried asking city officials if they felt bad about recently spending $11.1 million dollars on a village entrance, instead of approving a village exit for September. City officials were unavailable for comment. An office secretary left to go down with the ship informed me that officials left town immediately after handing her the September warning for a one-week delayed release. When asked for city officials’ registered phone and fax numbers with the AlertOC agency, the secretary explained that they hadn’t bothered to complete task one. However, if I wished to speak to any of the city officials’ families, they were available because task two, informing their families of an evacuation plan or rendezvous point, was not completed. Also, anyone inquiring about task three, which is to register for a Community Emergency Response Team (CERT) class, should be awarded the certificate in lieu of class instruction about disaster preparedness.

And lastly, task four, which is to learn how to build an emergency kit, should be replaced with these instructions: “Put your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.”

Crantz tells the Indy that he has his emergency kit already together. It’s 100 bottles of beer on the wall of his bomb shelter. That’s an undisclosed bomb shelter. Ha-Ha Design Review Board. Good luck to everyone else.


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