Pet Peeves


Oh, Give Me a Home

By Mark D. Crantz

“Oh, give me a home where the tourists roam/Where hedges fund managers play/Where seldom is heard zero fund fees/And the skies are not cloudy all day.”

The Laguna Beach City Council passed a resolution opposing the Southern California Association of Government’s (SCAG) new method for allotting affordable housing to cities and counties. The new method dubbed by me as “Not in my Backyard,” will add hundreds of residential units to Orange County towns and away from Riverside and San Bernardino counties. Laguna Beach’s allotment would increase to 390 dwelling units. It is unclear if the dwellings would have to be mid-century modern houses.

Laguna Beach is pursing a novel argument to reduce the number of housing units due to the limited number of emergency routes out of town. “More low income housing could be detrimental to the safety of Laguna Beach residents and its many visitors,” wrote Laguna’s mayor. Several residents opposed the resolution.

One resident pointed out the new temporary art installation named “Camouflage House,” could be un-camouflaged and replicated to use for low income housing. He said, “Let’s just not look at it. Let’s put it to use. Let’s graffiti the walls and throw some trash inside.”

Another resident opposed to the resolution and in support of increased housing added, “The city’s opposition due to limited emergency routes is a red herring. The homeless do not have cars. And the few who do can’t start them.” Local mechanics concurred.

One resident who did not wish to be identified and phoned in his opposition said, “Hjyfrtmve fnkwsh grshg gfdselko qestflb zzzzz..” Obviously, the person’s voice sound changer did not work and nobody could understand his comment. Luckily, he fell asleep while on the phone to everybody’s relief.

A group of concerned local decorators support the addition of affordable housing, so long as the inside can be tastefully decorated. The group spokesman elaborated, “The old adage works here…it’s what’s on the inside that counts. We are artists dedicated in making beautiful homes for the disenfranchised so long as governments pay us in our favorite color…green. The more green the merrier.”

A homeless man, who wished to remain anonymous, chimed in. “Personally, I’ve spent a lot of time with the disenfranchised and personally I wouldn’t want them as neighbors. They talk, talk, talk. Way too many opinions for me. I’d prefer if Laguna would just fix my car, so I can get out of town and live in my car, car on the range.”


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