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Deck Chairs

By Mark D. Crantz

It was the consensus of City Council that the downtown area was overdue for some refreshing. So, they offered preliminary suggestions on 20 public infrastructure projects for the downtown area. One suggestion was the result of recent criticism from the Orange County Grand Jury that found Laguna Beach was one of eight Orange County cities with a relatively low number of publicly owned street trees. To counteract the criticism, the City Council suggested a much needed replacement program. Arborists have concluded that 12 percent of the urbanscape is in poor health and needs this replacement. The council proposed to start the replacement program at the Laguna Beach Transit Center at Broadway Street. The city will replace every homeless person found in poor health at the transit center with a tree. A councilperson explained, “It’s a great idea. We help two birds with one planting. The transit center re-plants incoming sickly folks right back out of town and in their place plants a new tree to improve the transit center.” Another council member added, “Consultants predict in two years time the transit center will look just like New York’s Central Park. And that’s an urban landscape to envy.”

Another streetscape improvement will be the new scramble intersection at Coast Highway and Ocean Avenue. The new intersection will be designated for tourists only. Like its namesake “scramble,” the intersection will sync traffic lights with pedestrian walk signs to the green position. Then, tourists will have to scramble for their lives to avoid being run over. Consultants predict in two year’s time, tourism will drop by 50 percent and make residents’ lives 50 percent better.

Other proposed streetscape improvements include expanding the south community garden to annex the downtown’s 113 acres by transforming the city into a working marijuana farm. Marijuana seeds will replace succulents throughout the city. Consultants predict the two-year revenue increasewill bolster Village Laguna monies by 50 percent and provide the needed political muscle to liberate Laguna from pro-development clutches.

The most controversial streetscape proposal requires the city to purchase 1,000 deck chairs and five violins. Volunteer docents will be charged to rearrange the chairs at their whimsy while the City Council accompanies them with music.

 

Crantz tells the Indy that he supports any streetscape that excludes mimes.

 

 

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