Is Renewal Possible?
When we have a breakdown in our relationships, it often comes down to the loss of creative perception. Imaginative perception enables us to interpret ideas differently, offering insight into fresh perspectives and possibilities.
Yes, there are reasons why the relationship isn’t working. If those reasons were the only issues in the way, it would be an easy decision to either end the relationship and get out or recommit, reestablish and get back in. When we continually stockpile evidence against the accused yet never fully bring the case to trial, something more is going on.
They lied, you say. There is too much anger, rudeness, nastiness and criticism. Relationships become hopeless when we enmesh them in psychological labeling and name-calling.
Each interaction is carefully categorized and filed in its appropriate place to be used as fuel to feed the blazing fire of pent-up disappointments, anger and blame.
Naming and categorizing deadens our ability to fully participate. When we take up residence in the attic of our minds and then foolishly attempt to control and manipulate our relationships from there, we set ourselves up for failure.
A few skill-less moves later and we are left with a love life that is like a puppeteer who’s marionette has gotten its wires hopelessly crossed.
The heart sees receptively. The heart responds to nuances. It works in tandem with imagination. The heart and imagination walk hand in hand on the softer, slower, kinder and gentler side of the street.
What are the present longings, dreams, preferences and hopes of this person you used to love? What are the unique ways of this person underneath the protective shield of defensive behaviors?
The heart has the capacity to free the hostage, empty the jail, acquit the accused, let the past hurts and horrors drop by the wayside and start anew. If something in you shrinks back in revulsion and screams no at the thought of giving up the struggle, that is understandable.
We cannot give someone leeway until we are willing to give it to ourselves. How can we perceive another through our heart’s affections when we are denying our own longings, wishes, hopes, and dreams?
Why would anyone make themselves visible and vulnerable, if we automatically and habitually probe, push, interrogate, invalidate, judge and second-guess them and their motives? Or we allow them to do that to us? How can we expect either yourself or your partner to consistently sit on the end of the relationship seesaw labeled wrong or consistently be elevated to the position of being right?
Until we explore our answers to these type of questions, we cannot move on. When we activate our willingness to be truthful, a new door opens. This door is marked wholeness.
How whole are you? What are you longing for in your heart of hearts? Has your tenderness, your wonder, your patience, kindness and gentleness retreated out of fear of rejection or abuse? When was the last time you gave yourself a break by turning off your judging, analyzing and categorizing in favor of enlisting your ability to perceive creatively?
Forget about “out there” for a moment. Turn your attention inward and perhaps if you listen closely, you will hear your heart whisper: “Here I am. Whole and complete in my ability to love.”
And then, little by little, we can begin the process of letting down, letting go, listening and feeling the gentle opening and tender renewing that can allow the possibility that the magic of self-love and the love of another can return.
Susan is a local leadership consultant and author of Beyond Intellect: Journey Into the Wisdom of your Intuitive Mind. susanvelasquez.com