Liar, liar, pants on fire. City Council candidates are shopping for new trousers on a daily basis. “I can’t explain it,” shrugged one candidate, who cradled a fire extinguisher for protection. “I was at a forum. I answered a question about kelp. I said that I was an oceanographer with 50 years of training. I graduated ahead of Jacques Cousteau. I was the better swimmer. My pants went poof.”
Hysteria broke out. Fortunately, another candidate jumped in to save the day. “Stop. Don’t panic. I’m running for city council, too. My 51 years of emergency medical training will save you. Stay clear of the flaming candidate standing next to me. He’s flambé. He can’t be saved. Save yourselves. Vote for me. Exit polls show I’m the frontrunner to the exit doors. Follow my lead. I was there at the Chicago fire. I saved the neighboring towns, Milwaukee and Gary. My pants went poof.”
Water was in short supply due to the drought. A third candidate came to the rescue. “I have a fanny pack with a 50 gallon drum of water in it. I have 52 years of Navy Seal training. My fellow candidates, flambé and crème brulee, are goners. Give me their votes and I’ll douse you with water and keep the flames from spreading. In their honor, a paddle out will be scheduled right after the election. Their votes thrown my way will provide residents with a motorized board during paddle out. And for an additional nominal political contribution, arm floaties will be given to residents who can’t swim. Water safety is my greatest concern. I’ve crossed the English Channel, swum around Cape Horn, and survived the Horn of Plenty at Sandpipers. My pants went poof.”
“What a mess,” said the fire chief. “We are having trouble getting ahead of these political flameouts. There’s no way to protect candidates ahead of time. It’s spontaneous combustion. They just start talking and talking and their claims get bigger and bigger and poof their pants are on fire,” sighed a weary fire chief. “If this keeps going, there will be no one to vote for on Election Day.”
One candidate, who claimed he was from the school of hard knocks, recommended moving all remaining forums to the Quiet Zone. He believes if the candidates are required to stay quiet and not talk, then the election can be saved. “Politicians are like children. They should be seen and not heard,” recommended the veteran politician. He paused and looked down. “Well, look at that. My pants aren’t on fire. That’s good. See, I put my pants on one leg at a time and I don’t have all day to keep changing pants and run a town, too.”
Truth, truth, pants just fine. Lagunans will vote fire prevention every time.
Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago. He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.” His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.